– Phew.

– Father Christmas?

– Oh, uh, hi. I didn’t mean to wake you. Was just trying to find the loo.

– It wasn’t you. It’s that stench.

– I’m sorry deary. Just go back to sleep.

– I was dreaming of sugar plums then along came the ghost of Christmas ass.

– Listen, just give me a second, okay and I’ll wrap this thing right up.

– What is that smell?

– Oh, jeez not again…

– Holy Saint Nicholas!

– Please, girls, go back to bed.

– He is dropping yule logs down his chimney.

– Come on now, a little privacy would be great. I’ve been holding this thing since Dubai.

– The whole house smells like a gingerbread manslaughter.

– I’m sorry it’s the milk and cookies, okay, every year destroys me.

– Well, now that you are here dumping lumps of coal in our toilet, what did you get me for Christmas?

(toot)

– Gross!

– I don’t make a meal of it, okay. It’s not that bad.

– Look, what I’ve found.

– Jesus, there’s another one? Whoa! Put that back!

– I was looking around for that horrible stench and I’ve found this under the tree.

– That’s not for you.

– Look. iPhones! Hundreds of them! All for us!

– As soon as I’m done here, I’m gonna get those gifts back and you’re all going on the naughty list.

– Oh, yeah. Then I’m going to put you on Instagram. #Busted.

– Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea?

– Put it in the cloud with his stinky farts.

– You can’t blackmail Santa!

– Look, Kringle!

– You never should have pinched off a hot slice of fruitcake without using Poo-Pourri.

– Poo-Pourri?

– Poo-Pourri? The gift that stops stinking! Since we are exchanging gifts, here is one for you. Next time spritz the bowl before you go and and noone else will ever know.

– So, you can keep sneaking without wreaking!

– And your dingleberries will smell like jingleberries.

– Anything else?

– Yeah, Santa, hurry up, I really need to take a sh…

– Jingle Bells, your poo smells before you drop a bomb. Click right here to save your rear at PotPourri.com!

(stomach growling)

Poo-Pourri is a company that devises and sells fragrant sprays for toilets. These are made of essential oils and other natural compounds, which coat the surface of the water and, the manufacturer claims, hold in bad odours. Poo-Pourri is best known for its viral YouTube advertisement, Girls Don’t Poop.

Santa Claus facts:

1. Santa Claus also has some other names: Saint Nicholas, St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Pelznickel. Two of his names — Santa Claus and Saint Nicholas — both come from the Dutch who settled in New York long ago.

2. The man behind the story of Father Christmas/Santa Claus was St. Nicholas, a Bishop who lived in the fourth century in a place called Myra in Asia Minor (now Turkey).

3. Santa Claus’s sleigh is led by eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder (variously spelled Donder and Donner) and Blixem (variously spelled Blixen and Blitzen), with Rudolph being a 20th-century inclusion.

4. What’s Santa’s address? It’s Santa Claus, North Pole.

5. The USPS has a program called Letters to Santa, which guarantees children a response from the North Pole, but no presents. Parents mail their children’s letters to the “North Pole Postmark Postmaster,” along with Santa’s response and a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

 “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”

– Alan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”

– Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”

– Camille, age 10

 “No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”

– Freddie, age 6

 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”

– Derrick, age 8

 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON DATES?

 “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

– Lynnette, age 8

 “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”

– Martin, age 10

 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”

– Craig, age 9

 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? 

 “When they’re rich.”

– Pam, age 7

 “The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”

– Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”

– Howard, age 8

 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”

– Anita, age 9

 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

 “There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”

– Kevin, age 8

 source: godvine.com

Find the antonyms of the following words.

Key:

1. e.

2. i.

3. a.

4. j.

5. b.

6. h.

7. c.

8. d.

9. g.

10. f.

Chicken hit by car doing 70mph but you’ll never guess what happened next

A plucky poultry played chicken with a car travelling at 70mph (112 km/h) – and the car came off worse.

Driver Huang Lingyong, 31, was at the wheel when the bird-brained pedestrian suddenly crossed the road in front of him. But instead of squashing the chicken and leaving it as roadkill, the bird smashed a huge hole in his bonnet, where it stayed until the car stopped moving.

Huang said: "I braked because I am an animal lover and didn’t want to harm the chicken. But it was too late. I heard a sickening thud and I thought the chicken had gone to meet his ancestors. I stopped the car, got out and walked around to the front. There was a hole in the bodywork and the chicken wedged inside. I thought it must be dead but then I heard a cluck-clucking and bent down to look closer. It was a little shaken up and its feathers all ruffled, but otherwise OK."

He added: "It seemed to me to be a very good advert for the durability of chickens and a very bad one for the quality of the car that I was driving. I took some video with my phone and uploaded the pictures on the web and I was not surprised when there was a lot of feedback from people who shared my opinion of the car."

The car manufacturer, a Japanese company, have insisted the bumper of the car, which was so easily destroyed by poultry, is not part of the original design, but is actually a cheap Chinese copy.

source: www.mirror.co.uk

to do 70 mph – 70-nel menni
poultry – baromfi
to play chicken – két autó egymás felé hajt, és az a “gyáva nyúl” = chicken, aki előbb elkapja a kormányt
to come off worse – rosszabbul jár
(steering) wheel – kormánykerék
pedestrian – gyalogos
instead of – helyett
to squash – kilapítani, összenyomni
roadkill – elütött állat
bonnet – motorháztető
to brake – fékezni
thud – puffanás
ancestor – ős
wedged – beékelt
to bend down – lehajolni
to be shaken up – megrendült
feathers all ruffled – a tollazata zilált volt
otherwise – egyébként, máskülönben
advert(isement) – reklám
durability – tartósság
to upload – feltölteni (számítógépe, internetre)
feedback – visszajelzés
manufacturer – gyártó
bumper – lökhárító
to destroy – tönkretenni 

Match the driving vocabulary with the definitions.

answers: 1-d 2-a 3-e 4-b 5-c

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Find which paragraph belongs to which Irish joke. Both jokes consist of 4 paragraphs altogether. You can find the beginning of the jokes in the first row of the table. 

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 answers:

Irish Driver Breathalysed: B, F, C
Booze: D, E, A

Lucien and Amigo love nothing better than horsing around at the home of owner Sharon Taylor. The cheeky pair well and truly have their hooves under the table at Sharon’s farmhouse in Ayrshire, Scotland. For the clever horses think nothing of letting themselves in the front door and making themselves at home. This includes playing with Sharon’s cat and dog, standing at the dinner table and helping themselves to a snack.

And it isn’t just Sharon, her partner Kenny Lomax and her sons James, 25, Marcus, 20, and Connor, 15, who love the animal antics. Lucien and Amigo even have their own Facebook page featuring videos of them getting up to mischief. The family took in Lucien, now 16 months, when his mother died after giving birth and got 15-month-old Amigo to keep him company. According to Sharon, the duo have yet to master the art of climbing stairs, but she thinks it’s just a matter of time before she finds a horse in her bedroom.

to horse around – bolondozni, hülyéskedni
owner – tulajdonos
to get feet under the table – magabiztosnak lenni
hoof – pata
to think nothing of – semmi különöset sem jelent
to make oneself at home – otthon érezni magát
to include – beletartozni
antics – bohóckodás
mischief – csintalanság
to take in – befogadni
to give birth – megszülni
to master the art of – valaminek a mesterévé válni
it’s just a matter of time – csak idő kérdése