Mine says “Ted,” no heart.
Mine says “Swarley. ” How’d they get “Swarley” from “Barney”? It’s not even a name. Who would ever be called “Swarley”? Oh, please don’t start calling me “Swarley. This would never happen at a bar!

Man! What’s up with Swarley?

I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.

Hey, dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric. Is it foreign or something? Wow.
It is foreign. I’m impressed, Ted. It’s Moroccan, actually.
Whoa.
I got a call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?

You weren’t interested in my suit at all, were you?

– Hmm?

– Swarley!

Yeah, I know he’s there. It’s really important. Could you ask again?

Important call for Swarley!

Geez, can’t you hear him, Swarley? There’s a call for you.
Stop calling me that.

– You all done with that, Ted?

– Yeah.
Ned. I told you to call him Ned.
That’s just sad.
Sorry, Swarley.

And this next one’s going out to Swarley. All your friends know you miss Barney, but he’s gone, and you got to accept that, baby. And, Swarley, you’re gonna be a better woman for it.
Here’s “I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy.
Ha-ha! Now I’m a woman. I love it! You know, I was thinking about this whole new name thing last night, and you know what I realized? I like it.
You like being called Swarley?

Are you kidding? I want you to call me that.
Do you really think this is gonna work?

Do I think what’s gonna work? I’m just saying, I love my new name, so please only call me that from now on.
Call you what?

You know, that-that-that new name that you’ve been calling me.
Say it.
Why? You guys know what it is.
Say the name.
No, I don’t want to! I hate it! I hate it! It’s not funny! It’s never been funny! I’ve never done any No!

You guys are right. I’m totally overreacting to this whole Robin thing. What’s this envelope? Is this a wedding invitation? Robin’s marrying Don. I’m gonna die alone! Ted’s gonna get eaten by cats!

Dude, Relax– it’s for Marissa Heller.
Marissa Heller? She sounds hot. Face, boobs, describe. Start with boobs.
Who was Marissa Heller? That mystery began when Marshall and I First moved in together.
Ted! We got our first mail delivery! We are popular. We’ve got A golf magazine for Marissa Heller, We’ve got a wicker furniture catalog, Also for Marissa Heller, And A coupon for a bird store Addressed to Marissa Heller or– stay with me– “current occupant. ” That’s us! We’ve got mail!

Fantastic! Marissa Heller? She must be the woman who lived here before us. I wonder what she was like.
And just like that, A picture began to take shape A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper Marissa Heller, the bird owner.

And since then, with each piece of mail we’ve gotten, The picture’s become a little clearer.
The only thing We don’t know is what she looks like. Well, I guess I’ll forward this along Like I’ve been forwarding

Oh, just open it.
Okay.
It’s an invitation to Jefferson van Smoot’s Annual spring social this Saturday night. In the penthouse apartment of the Alberta! You guys That’s the most beautiful building in Manhattan! We-we got to go to this party.
That depends– does it say anything on that invitation About robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy?

No, but it says open bar.
Revised agenda for Saturday night: Free booze at Marissa Heller’s party, Then Robots vs.
Wrestlers. One of us just Needs to pretend to be Marissa Heller.
Guys, I’m flattered, but I think Lily should do it.
So the big night arrived. Our first stop The Alberta building.
Wow! This building is amazing! Did you guys see the Porte Cochere And the Terra-cotta spandrels outside?

Oh, my God, look! I just got a text from Robin. It says …

Okay, guys, huddle up. Now, Lil, you can do this– all you have to do Is look that guy in the eye, say your name Is Marissa Heller, and we are golden. And again, just so we’re clear, no accent.
(cockney accent): Are we sure she’s not British, isn’t it?

No!

All right! Here I go.
I’m doing it.
Hi.
Hello.
Ooh.Sorry.Go ahead.
I’m here for the van Smoot party. My name is Marissa Heller.
Bollocks.

Oh Wait, you know what, these guys are not going to get all mushy sober. We need to get these bitches drunk.
Yes, but the right kind of drunk. Uh we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine? Oh, I don’t know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. He reaches a point of sad clarity.
Ten, nine, eight

I’m a B-plus. My whole life, I was hoping to be an A, and I’m a B-plus. And I’m okay with that.
Happy New Year!

If we want them to open up, I say we go straight-up gin.
Oh last time Marshall got gin-drunk was at that douchey bar Barney likes to go to. Marshall almost got in a fight that night.
Look at this meatball. He’s headed right towards me, showing me no respect. Well, if he wants to play chicken, this rooster ain’t backing down! Oh. Mirror.
How about martinis?

 Absolutely not. I’m not going anywhere near you and a martini.
Why not?

Ooh You know what would be stupid? If we made out. That would be so stupid. Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
Every time.
I only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. So stupid

Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah? Well what about you and absinthe?

I don’t know. We could have water, soda, purple stuff

We’re a dream a baby’s having. We’re a dream a baby’s having.
I keep telling you, that didn’t happen.
It happened, and it changed me.
How about daiquiris?

 Maybe. When Marshall has daiquiris he gets really into how beautiful he is.
Hey. I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
Hey, Marsh, you know that’s another mirror, right?

 Peppermint schnapps?

 No.
Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson.
Who?

The crazy old host of Family Feud, who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.
Hey there, darlin’. How you doin’? Ah, is this your sister? Mmm Beautiful.Mmm

Hey, where are our chicken wings?

 Show me chicken wings!

Good order, Ted!

Good order! 

Oh, you’re wearing a flower.
Thank you.
Ah, didn’t compliment. Just observed.
I know. Isn’t it?

Why are you wearing that?

Why does Barney do anything ever?

Exactly. Science. There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid.
Hmm.
Think about it. Proms, weddings.
Mm-hmm.
Grandmas’ funerals. Thanks for the redhead, Nana. The “everyday boutonniere” by Stinson.
And nope. I’m sorry, Barney, but no girl is going home with a guy with a flower on his chest. Unless he’s a clown, and she’s in the trunk of his car.
Along with 50 other clowns.
It’s a clown car.
Oh.
Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for “bootie is near?”

Hmm.
True story. Une histoire vraie.
Hmm! Did you know that Barney is French for “sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid””

Woman, you best check yourself.
Yeah, on the bright side, I guess suits are pretty boring without them, so

Madam that is an insult that cannot be borne! I demand satisfaction!

What, are we gonna duel?

No. I’m going to show everyone this embarrassing video of you.
It’s Robin Sparkles III, y’all!