Friends – The One with All the Cheesecakes

Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.
Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.
Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
Rachel: Oh, y’know I’m not that much of a sweet tooth. I – (Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.) – Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)
Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief.
Chandler: I – no! I didn’t read the box before I opened it. And you can’t return a box after you’ve opened the box.
Rachel: Why, why not?
Chandler: Because it’s too delicious.
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma’s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I’m sorry, what?

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Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem?
Chandler: I can’t seem to say goodbye.
Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
Chandler: Well I’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!
Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling… (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!
Chandler: (closing the box) Y’know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Rachel: Yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
Rachel: Momma’s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)

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Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn’t pay, I thought you paid!
Chandler: So apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?
Rachel: (gasps) It’s still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.)
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: No that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we don’t want that.
Rachel: No, so we’re protecting her.
Chandler: But we should take it.
Rachel: But we should move quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.)

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Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!
Chandler: I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: (seeing what they’re doing) What do you get there?
Rachel: Oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)
Chandler: What are you doing tonight?
Joey: Huh? Uh… (He starts taking off his pants.)
Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)
Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I’ve got those plans with Phoebe, why?
Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.
Joey: What?! Tonight?!
Chandler: That’s what Monica said.
Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she’s trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!

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Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)
Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers! We are living outside the law!
Chandler: Y’know what? I don’t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I’m takin’ it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)
Rachel: What?! What?!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Wait a minute!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t!

[Cut to Chandler and Monica’s as they enter.]

Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!
Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We’re gonna split it! You take half and I take half!
Chandler: Well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some!
Rachel: What? Oh, well then y’know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
Chandler: What do we use to split it?
Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.
Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh… There’s more crust on this side. Y’know? So, maybe if I measured…
Rachel: Oh for God’s sake just pick a piece!
Chandler: All right, I’ll pick that one. (Points.)
Rachel: That’s also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she’s saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!
Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don’t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my… (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)

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Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!
Chandler: Stick to your side!
Rachel: Hey, come on now!

(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)

Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.)